Day by Day

Swine Sellin Saturday

2010-09-04T18:50:00.003-04:00

Today has been ABSOLUTELY gorgeous!!! It is one of those days that lets you know Fall is coming...it's in the air. A cool breeze all day long with bright sunshine. Theres also a smell in the air, almost like dried leaves or something (maybe it's cause we haven't had rain in such a long time?). Whatever it is, it's a lovely smell, invigorating!
So, today I woke up and got all my baby pigs ready to take to town and try to sell. There was supposed to be a city wide yardsale in the town that's south of us. I weaned the pigs a week ago and they are doing so good. They are very rambunctious (don't know how to spell that but its a fitting word). I caught each one of them this morning and each one of them squealed, no... more like screeched like a banchee when I first caught them. I was in the wrong venue to sell them though. I only sold one although lots of people liked them or wanted them. And they're not overpriced at all. But I was glad to have one less mouth to feed cause they are starting to eat alot more now. So 8 little piggies are left for now.

I watched Tyler Perrys 'Why did I get Married Too' movie last night. I have to say I'm a sucker for his films. I just love them! My favorite by far though is 'Diary of a Mad Black Woman'. For those of you who haven't seen it, it's really good (in my opinion).

I also talked to my mom last night and I'm kindof worried for her. She's in a bad housing situation with a younger girl who is very manipulative of her (relating to family, money etc). The situations not new, it's been going on for quite a few years. Her and this girl had it out due to a major money issue mom found out about and temporarily my mom is away from her and in a safe place. I just think my mom is going to try to go back and set limits and boundaries and be strong and it's not going to work. Even if it did, who wants to live like that? It just breaks my heart to see my mom like this and think about her quality of life right now. I'm just praying that she is strong enough to stay away. I wish she would come and live with me but I'm just a little too far out in the country for most people but I tried....

Well I just made myself some spaghetti with alfredo sauce and garlic bread. Healthy, right! haha
Thanks for the replies to my last post. Glad to know about the url changes for 2 of you. I like the idea of the blogging that is not so fertility focused and want to do more of that myself. Well tata for now!

September already?!!?!!

2010-09-03T18:41:00.003-04:00

Wow! It's been ages since I wrote last. This past month has flown by. Clinicals have started. I've gotten to do some pretty neat "nurse skills" during them. I really love learning and nursing is so complex. It seems like this semester things are starting to come together a little more for me as I am learning and understanding the process of nursing. I know I have a long way to go though.

On the infertility front I have been holding my own till these past couple of days. I am generally a pretty upbeat, positive person but every once in a while I really start to get down. I guess I can only take so much and then it starts to really get to me. For instance, my best friend is pregnant as I have mentioned in other posts. She is really starting to irk me lately. It's not just about the complaining about feeling bad during this pregnancy or the "getting fatter" (as she refers to it) but also her disregard for the fact that maybe I don't always feel like hearing about her pregnancy issues all the time.

While I'm at it, today was one of the most frustrating "not a pregnant girl" days I've had in a while. There are soo many pregnant girls at work. I've honestly lost count but I think it is like 5 now which is actually down a little because there were 7. One isn't working there anymore and the other finally had her baby. Well anyhoo, two out of these 5, both just found out they are having twins. One of the girls expecting twins is 12 weeks along and she just had her first baby in February. Must be nice to be that fertile! It sucks working where I work right now.....I swear I am SO tired of hearing "You'd better stay away from the water here or you'll be next" Heard that one again today and I responded as nicely as I could muster "I really don't think so- Nope!" As if that wasn't a big enough hint she continued "I don't know I think you could probably just stand next to some of them and get pregnant" I responded (again as nicely as I could) "Definitely not, it's just not that easy for some people" At this point she kindof got it but I had to respond to her again and basically spell it out....I haven't been on birth control in 6 years, I have something wrong with me and It's not going to happen without alot of money and a little time. Which right now I have neither unfortunately.

Anyhow, I'm done complaining - just had to get that off my chest and this is about the only place I can. On the opposite side of the plate, I wanted to say congrats to some of the people who have been trying to conceive and have finally made it! I've been catching up on blogs and was really wanting to say that is awesome. I don't know what happened to spermination stations blog..went there to catch up on her posts today and she is not there. Same goes for Jesstrying to Conceive.. Hope y'all are doing ok!

I'm going to watch a movie tonight and take it easy. Gonna cook up some food and enjoy! Have a great friday night everyone!

Busy livin...

2010-08-17T21:51:00.002-04:00

School is kicking my butt! I have been so extremely busy between working, reading, and driving the hour trip to school, I've not had much time for anything else. I'm not even gonna try to sign up for ICLW this month...I know its not possible.

Anyhoo, I am convinced that our home has recently been added to some kind of list for people who want to drop off animals. I got a home for the gray kitten I'd found and then I found another one...(can't remember if i told you about the new one or not and I'm to lazy right now to check). So, I have this new one and she is cute but I need to find her a home. Then tonight, a neighbor pulled in our driveway and his lights were shining on our front porch that we never use and sure enough...there was a little gold tabby kitten from out of nowhere!!! He is soo cute! But NOW i've got 2 kittens to find homes for. Don't know what I'm gonna do...

More about school...I got my bill paid. Hubby finally sold that dirt bike for much less than he should have just to get the money for my school. He's a gem! It's gonna be tough this semester though since I had to cut back at work... :(

I miss you all but hopefully I will be able to keep in touch a little better b/c today I got a "new" laptop from one of my moms friends (YAYYY!!!) It is great and is going to work at home and school so I'm super excited.

This is an awful post but I'll write again soon hopefully!

School Approaching

2010-08-09T15:50:00.003-04:00

School starts in a week!!! I'm so not ready to give up my freedom and go back to being chained to a book every night at home. I guess I will have to get used to it though as it is fast approaching. I'm also worried about the school bill. My classes are $1340 this semester. That may not seem like much but I'm paying as I go (which will rock once i'm done and have no school debt) and it is a lot to pay up front in one big chunk. I should say that I did get a scholarship and that will pay $500 of the bill for this semester so I'll only have $840 to come up with on my own....It's still alot for us right now. But I think we will have it sometime this week. The hubby, bless his heart, has a dirt bike for sale (in excellent condition) and also one of his trucks (yes we have a collection of vehicles per hubby). So, I think we have some people interested, hopefully they will buy this week.....it would be a big relief.
My mom and sister came over last night for one more cleaning fest before school starts. We got the other spare room cleaned this time. I set the bed up in case we ever have company or something and it looks alot better.
Had the weekend off and hubby was gone for half of it at a big fourwheeling campout. I watched Steel Magnolias and cried my eyes out! I forgot how sad and touching that movie was... But it was nice to have some down time and relax a little. I was really glad however when my hubs came home, I didn't realize how much I would miss him- even though it was only a night....i guess its true what they say "absence makes the heart grow fonder".

Missing my friends

2010-08-07T13:50:00.003-04:00

Ahhh!!! I'm so behind...stupid, stupid computers!!!! Mines still not working and thursday I tried to go to the library and they were closed for inventory or something. Then yesterday I was going to try after work to go again and I was asked to stay over till 5 or 530. So, by the time I got off work and called - the library was already closed. Ohhh..you gotta love a small town library! So, today I came to the next county over to use their library (which I rarely do). But the point in telling you all this is that I've missed you the last couple days. I haven't been able to get online at home, at all, as it take forever to load just one webpage and so I haven't even been able to keep reading other blogs....I feel so out of touch! So, once again I'm going to catch up. I feel like this is what I've said the past couple of times I've blogged...oh well!
Anyhoo, one of the preggo girls at work found out she was having a boy yesterday. It seems like it makes it that much more real when they find out what their having. And the preggo talk also seems to intensify because now that they know what they are having they talk about it that much more...making it that much harder for me. I already can't go through a day without hearing multiple pregnancy conversations (like breastfeeding or birthing stories etc) or hearing the woes of being pregnant ("I feel so sick to my stomach") Ughhh! I'm just sick of it this week. Jess left a comment on my last post about wondering what the purpose is in being IF. I have to admit, I wonder this as well....actually very often. I ask myself and God "what am I supposed to be learning?" "what are you trying to show me through this?" or "How can I grow and be a better person because of this struggle in my life?" Even when IF is not in the forefront of my mind, it is still swirling around in my thoughts. It is a daily battle I fight with....rising above and not falling prey to wollering in self pity. Thanks for your kind comments...they mean so much to me, hearing from everyone and having friends who understand. I've missed you guys! If you don't hear from me- you know what's going on...I haven't fell off the face of the earth...I will write again as soon as I can. Hugs to everyone :)

Tuesdays Troubles (and good things too)

2010-08-03T15:16:00.003-04:00

Well, my computer is acting crazy again so once more, I'm at the library to write this post. I am still reading and staying up to date with all the gals I've added to my blog list. So, if I'm not commenting as much as usual it's mainly due to my computer, which keeps freezing when I'm using it. I'm not very "techy" at all and so although I'm learning alot from all these computer problems, it is very frustrating because it is a new problem every time I get the last problem fixed. UGH!!! I know some of you can relate with the computer problems.
Anyhow, tomorrow is a training day at school in preparation for our clinicals. We have to learn how to use the computer systems at the hospitals we will be going to before school starts. This summer has gone by WAY too fast! But at least I have the day off work (yayyy!!!)
Funny IF-related story from work the other day. My best friend (who I've mentioned is pregnant) got involved in a conversation with another pregnant girl at work. I've also mentioned that pretty many people know that I have IF issues even if they are unaware of the details. So..my friend told me that their conversation turned to me and my IF issues and the other girl said something to the effect of "Can't she just go to the doctor and pay $300 and get the meds and then she could get pregnant?" Apparently she had heard from someone the approximate price of one of my dr's visit (from when I went to the dr last time). My friend tried to tell her that the medication might not even work the first time and that it would probably end up being alot more than that in the end. When I heard the story, I laughed out loud...Obviously I don't expect people to know the ins and outs of infertility and its treatments but even before I ever had problems, I kindof knew that trying to have a baby like this wasn't cheap. I'm just glad that I heard this secondhand...It gave me time to process it and not immediately react to her. My preggo friend took up for me though and It was nice to know how much she cared.

Weekend of Work

2010-08-01T22:17:00.003-04:00

I think this is the longest I've gone without posting since I joined up almost a month ago! It has been crazy busy the past couple days at work. I hate working weekends and it doesn't help that I feel burnt out on my job...I never take naps and for the past week, on quite a few occasions, I have taken short naps when I get home from work. I'm just SO sleepy.
Lets see, what else...I have been trying to keep the house clean...a task at which I can never seem to fully accomplish (sometimes not even partially accomplish). Yesterday I stripped the caulking from the bathtub and redid it. This was a first for me and although it's not great it HAS to be better than it was. It gave me a small sense of accomplishment and I felt like I had a superwoman cape on when finished.
Hubby has been working alot lately because he is on call almost all the time (not kidding-ALL the time, except his weekends off) and I miss him. :( I'm now halfway through Harry Potter book #3. Trying to get through as many of them as I can before school starts.

Other than that my life has been pretty dreary lately and I have to say theres not too much to report about. Now, I have to go catch up on reading about all you LOVELY people!!! Have a great night. :)

The Trouble with Angels

2010-07-29T23:22:00.003-04:00

This week while at walmart, I walked by the $5 movie bin. I don't usually buy alot of movies but one caught my eye. I remembered watching it as a kid on AMC (when they used to play the good stuff). I love older movies from the 50's and 60's. This one is called "The Trouble with Angels" It's funny because my mom wouldn't let me watch it until I was a little older because the two girls smoke and break alot of rules in the movie. Compared to the movies of today it is very mild and like the back of the dvd cover says "Fun for the Whole Family".

Anyhow, I had my own little "movie night". Came home from work exhausted. Took a nap. Read Harry Potter Book #3 for an hour. Cooked supper and settled in to watch this little gem of a movie. It was soo much fun even though I was by myself (hubby still working). I love a good movie but haven't watched a lot of tv lately at all. I've been looking forward to watching this all week and since I'm off work tomorrow...it was perfect timing. Has anyone else seen this movie? Or any other movies from this era that you really love and recommend?

Books for school

2010-07-28T20:13:00.004-04:00

Thanks for the encouraging comments to yesterdays post. I am doing better today and I did get a little more sleep last night which always seems to help. So, today I worked and it was a really good day. There is a new nurse who has been training and I just have to say, she is very inspiring. She is professional, caring, sweet and does a very good job. She is everything that you would think of when you think of a great nurse. She is the kind of nurse I hope to be one day (once I graduate). Speaking of becoming a nurse....I got my books today for school. Well, these are just the new ones for this semester. We will still be using some books we had to buy for last year. This pic is just the new books. The med surg book is TERRIFYING!!! I mean, look at the SIZE of that thing! It has 1,864 pages in it. Oh, it's going to be a hard but good year! I'm excited...I love learning new stuff! Well, I've still got to go do my animal chores outside...so I'm losing daylight. Before I sign off, I wanted to say it's been a good ICLW and I hope that I can meet many more friends in the future. Thanks to anyone who's visited or been reading! Have a great night everybody.

One of them days

2010-07-27T21:21:00.003-04:00

It's been one of those days...the kind where I feel yucky and gross every time I look in the mirror. All I see is how tired I look, my acne that has flared out of control this past couple weeks, my flat, thin hair and wrinkles between my eyes that have gotten worse from not wearing my glasses this summer (cause I lost 'em). Awful, yucky thoughts about me. I hate to feel this way. I try to instill confidence in myself. Thoughts like "Its who you are on the inside that counts" and "you are beautiful in your own, unique ways Evie" But some days it just doesn't make me feel any better. Not that I let this ruin my day. On the contrary, I had a good day but it's a feeling that still lurks below the surface if scratched at all...

Sometimes I really hate pcos because it affects my body in so many ways I have no control over. I mentioned above that I have thin hair. In regard to PCOS, this is something I worry about so much. My hair is one of my prettiest external factors (in my opinion) ...it is curly, long and brown. For the past year especially, it seems like it has been "shedding" more than ever. When I wash it, there is so much that comes out. I don't remember it ever being this thin (probably b/c it hasn't ever been this thin). I know this is due to the crazy hormones playing with my body like it's some sort of lab rat. I hate it! With a passion! I'm really not a vain person. I could live without my hair if I had to.

I guess what I dislike so much is this sickness that takes one thing at a time from you. If I imagined PCOS having a conversation AT me it would be this....

PCOS says: "The ability to have children by yourself ? It's gone. Oh that's not enough of a kick to the stomach? How bout your hair...lets make it go bye bye too. Lets also take your periods away. While I'm at it I'll give you dark, unwanted, excess hair in embarrassing areas (chin, lip, neck, between boobs and on stomach). As a finishing touch, just for you, I might give you elevated cholesterol just for fun!"

To me, the sad thing is I know that I will probably have more future health problems because of pcos. Reading the statistics gives me increased stress and worry. I try not to think about it. I already worry too much. I do the best I can to prevent this. I exercise, watch what I eat and live a pretty healthy live. Sometimes it just feels like it is never good enough. I wonder if it is really helping me.

I would say sorry for all this negativity today but these are my honest thoughts. Night all, I gotta get some shuteye

Perfect Moment Monday - The FRIDGE!

2010-07-26T23:00:00.004-04:00

Well, It's a very rare occasion these days that my fridge gets a scrub down like it did today. I'm talking pull out the shelves and food and scrub everything down. It looks so good (to me) it is a moment of perfection...not only to me but to my fridge as well. It deserved it. It has been such a faithful fridge for these past 6 years and I hope it continues to serve us for another 6 years more. Thankyou fridge!!!! Here is your reward - a clean inside!!!

The Game of Cornhole...

2010-07-25T22:25:00.004-04:00

Wow, I'm laughing out loud in my kitchen after reading your alls comments... I almost explained what cornhole was when I wrote that post but thought "naaa, thats a pretty common game- everyone will think I'm stupid for explaining". Well, apparently it is not as common as I thought and what your minds are thinking, I can only imagine!!! hahaha!!!! So, I found some pictures that I'm going to link to and thought I would explain how it goes.

There are two boards about 20 feet apart (I don't know regulations on how they far apart they set em). Each board has a hole in it and is slanted a little. You have two teams. A player from each team is at each board. Each team has it's own set of beanbags 4 apiece (totalling 8 beanbags). You basically take turns throwing them back and forth and get points for landing on the board (1 point) or going through the "cornhole" (3 points). The other player can cancel your points by doing the same. Once all the bags are thrown to one side, they pick em up and throw em back until you get to 21 points to win! I'm sure there is a better explanation online somewhere but I didn't feel like finding one....

These two guys look like they're really into this game! And people love this game around here..It is at almost every party or at the campgrounds etc...They even have a competition at one of the local fairs which this pic reminds me of. So there you have it...The Game of Cornhole....Ta Da!!!

Has anyone else reading ever played this game or have many of you not heard of it? It really is a pretty fun game though...hope this helped explain a little. :)

2010-07-25T13:05:00.002-04:00

The baby shower went really good yesterday. My hubbys cousin looked healthy and that is good. She has developed gestational diabetes however so she is having to keep a close eye on that.

Good news! I think I may have mentioned it already but I found a home for the stray kitten I told you all about at the beginning of the month. The kitten was picked up last night and taken to his new home. Though I loved him and thought he was so adorable I am relieved that he has a good home now. Not to mention that the dogs can't sneak in and get in the cat poop (if you know what I mean by "get in" the poop - YUCK!!!) As for my other stray, the dog that followed me home, he is still with us. I don't believe he'll be leaving any time soon. He's become quite fond of coming inside and sitting in the a/c. He's in more than he's out now. I really do like him too. So, I guess I need to come up with a name for him as it looks like he's staying.

Last night our neighbor had a "neighbor party". It was super fun! They had karyoke, 5 or 6 games of cornhole, horseshoes, food, swimming pool, and LOTS of people. I sang two songs for karyoke as well as danced when they did the cupid shuffle and some other songs. It was fun. At one point the lady doing the DJ'ing stopped the music to announce that a neighbor had driven by and complained that someone parked somewhat in the road and they were going to call the cops if it didn't get moved. It was soo funny b/c at this many people made comments like "what neighbor was it?" and the man who threw the party said "let em call the cops! we ARE the neighbors!" (as practically everyone who lives within 3 miles was there). Needless to say the truck was moved and no cops were called. It was a great time and I was feeling a lot better than I had all day. The night was humid but there was a slight breeze. Me and the hubby also played cornhole and I did pretty good (as I am usually lousy at this game).

This morning, I went to the garden and picked beans, zucchini, cucumbers and about 4 tomatoes. The zucchini are overwhelming me though as I said they would about a month ago.
I think me and mymom in law are going to freeze some today as well as have a zucchini fry tonight. Yum it makes my mouth water just thinking about it! Well have a wonderful sunday to everyone reading this. Talk at ya soon!

Back at Home

2010-07-24T12:13:00.003-04:00

Well, I fixed my computer. I'm so glad it apparently wasn't my hard drive. Did the recommendations from the guy at the computer store. Turns out I had a trojan agent which is different than a virus or worm. It is used for malicious purposes though...I got rid of it and things seem to be back to normal...Still doing research on the whole thing.

I'm still feeling like poo poo due to this ear infection. Drinking lots of fluids though and hanging in there. It is an absolutely beautiful day outside and after I write this, I am going to go clean up and get out there and enjoy it. I need to update you guys with pics of the baby pigs.

Well, I just got a phone call from my mom in law after writing that last sentence and now my plans have changed...I forgot about a baby shower I am going to today for my hubbys cousin. Normally I dread baby showers. I'm happy for people but it is hard to be there...you all know what I mean. Well, this cousin has been through a lot. Her first husband died, she remarried quite a few years later and they have had a lot of trouble getting pregnant. So, now they are finally having their first baby: a girl. I am truly so very happy for her and actually looking forward to going. My mom in law had someone make her a baby quilt. We went in on it kindof. So, that is what I'm going to go get ready for now as it is at 2pm...in a hour and a half!

Enjoy your saturday today. What are you doing today?

Posting Satellite

2010-07-23T16:30:00.002-04:00

Hello! I am having big time computer problems at home right now. I think I may have a virus, or my hardrive might have a broken code (aka corrupted file) or something... I stopped into a computer shop today to tell them what was going on with it and what I had tried. He gave me some suggestions but it may be too late! :( I don't have the money for a new computer right now...the one I have is a hand-me-down already. Schools getting ready to start and I have to have a computer this year as I went without one for all of last year. So frustrating but I WILL figure it out and rise above this challenge! For now, rising above means that I am sitting in the library typing this post out...One day at a time, right?

So, I have felt like crap this past week...Low energy (unusual for me), and for the past couple of days I have had a sore throat and stiff neck. Last night I freaked out when I finally checked my throat with a flashlight and had one white bump and many red bumps on the roof of my mouth...weird huh? I figured since I didn't have to work today that I would see if I could get into the nurse practitioner today. This morning my ears hurt a little too. Turns out I have an ear infection and some sinus drainage. So after I leave the library, I'm going to get an antibiotic.

I want to say thanks to everyone for their advice about my friend. I have to say, I agree with Kakunna that it probably is hard to be friends with someone who is infertile. Putting myself in someone elses shoes I think it might be hard to know what to say to someone who is infertile. The reason all of us who are infertile can be such comforts to eachother is because we understand what it's like in one way or another. We might not know what to say to eachother but we know what not to say. We are there for one another. That's why I love being part of this community. Thanks you gals!! (and guys if you are reading). Have a super duper day and I'll talk at ya tomorrow.

Question of the day: What is your favorite color and why?

This is a hard one for me!!! I love colors but if I had to pick it would be sage green - it is so earthy and calming for me- painted my living room this color. What about you?

Hodgepodge of a Post

2010-07-22T18:08:00.006-04:00

I've been reading blogs for the past hour...at least! There are SO many great bloggers out there who have hearts of gold and in a way it is like catching up with my friends everyday. I look forward to reading what is going on in others lifes...There are so many great ideas, thoughts and stories. One of my favorites today was on Pinkadots Blog. She has just painted her "spare room" in a Dr. Suess wall mural. It is absolutely beautiful! She is in the process of embryo adoption and one of her ideas to raise money is by painting wall murals and for those who are interested just click her link above for information. I thought it was very creative and just wanted to let anyone else out there know about it. But there are so many more out there who are just as inspiring to me and I wanted to let you all know that ....

On another note, not as happy but something I've been thinking alot about, just the same. I have been having frustrations (mainly in my mind) with my closest friend. I think I mentioned in my first post that she was pregnant. Other than that I haven't really divulged much information about it. She is about 2-2 1/2 months along I think...She already has a four year old by someone else. She's been with the current guy for a few years. They aren't really living together because they just went through a rough patch and now they are pregnant but staying together. It's not even the pregnancy that bothers me...I mean there are now 6 girls (the # just keeps getting higher) that I work with who are all pregnant. I'm kindof resigned to the fact that I have to be around pregnant girls all the time and have decided to just make the best of it.

But, my best friend knows my struggle. She knows how much me and hubby want babies of our own. I've told her that her being pregnant won't really be easy for me but that I'll be ok...So, what bothers me is that she complains to me all the time about how she feels. How bloated and achy and tired....SO tired all the time. I just try to smile and go along with her but it kills me inside. I know lots of pregnant women do this but like I said, she knows my situation and it seems that it just does not register that her complaining all the time might cause a twinge of sadness or hurt on my part. She does it daily..at work (we work together), out of work, on the phone...you get the idea. This has been bothering me. Maybe it's not even the complaining but the fact that as my friend she could be more considerate...Sometimes I wonder what the meaning of a real friend is...not just because of this instance but other things as well. I'm tired of carrying the weight of certain relationships in my life. Do you ever feel like that? Like, you're the one that always calls that other person..Or, you're always encouraging them and listening to them but they don't return that favor to you? Instead when you tell them something thats bothering you, they always have something worse to say thats going on in their lifes? I feel guilty for writing these things...like this makes me a bad friend. I'm not about to break off my friendship with this girl or anything but I needed to vent about it one time and there aren't many people who understand or that I can talk to about it. So, this is my one time...there you have it!

On a lighter note, I just started reading the second Harry Potter book today. Read the first one last week. It is so funny because as a teenager, I swore I would never read Harry Potter but here I am on my second time through. Read them all two years ago and couldn't put them down. They were very good.

Before coming to post this, I was going to go on a quick run...I walked out my door ready to go and it was thundering and clouding up. :( Maybe I will just have to do my Cindy Crawford video tonight....It is so old but I'm telling you it is definitely a good workout you feel the next day. My copy is at least sixteen years old - no joke! I used to do this workout with my two older sis's when I was in junior high! haha...

What about you guys? Have you read Harry Potter? or What is your favorite type of working out or workout video? or Do you ever struggle with friendships like this?

First ICLW!!!!! So Fun!!!

2010-07-21T17:27:00.005-04:00

Here's a big HELLOOOOO!!!!! To everyone!!!!! Friends and visitors. This is my first ICLW! I am so excited. I wish I would've gotten up early before work this mornin to write this message for all but alas! I didn't.... :(

Well, for visitors, my hubby and I have been married for 6 years just this past week. We haven't been on birth control that entire time. I was diagnosed with PCOS... We are not actively trying at this time to get pregnant but I hope to start seriously trying by next summer.

I like to blog about animals, my garden, everyday stories, pcos, infertility and more. Browse around and stay awhile...and leave a comment...I love to meet new people and make new friends! I am generally an optimistic, happy (joyful even), fun person who loves life, learning, friends and family....Well there it is and I look forward to meeting new friends this week.

Oh...below is me and santa this past year at my hubbys family christmas party. Yes I did say family party...they had santa come to the party for all the kids...loads of fun! Just felt like putting this pic in today...Christmas in July I guess...?

Perfect Moment Monday, The Storm

2010-07-19T22:41:00.004-04:00

Tonight we had a pop up thunderstorm. We needed the rain so badly. It got cool. You could hear the thunder getting louder as the storm got closer. Then came the rain. It was so good to hear that sound...hard rain. And afterward, we got a beautiful rainbow and sunset. It had been so hot that the road in front of our house was "smoking" (see 2nd pic). What a perfect moment monday.

Obligations

2010-07-18T23:00:00.002-04:00

What a busy weekend! I'm so glad that tomorrow is monday and I am off for a day of rest. I have great news regarding my collection of stray animals...I finally found a home for the grey kitten I had found. My hubbys good friend really likes cats and he came to see us yesterday. He would've taken him then but was on a sport bike so it wasn't happenin!

On a totally different subject, I'm happy to report that my "period" lasted a whole week (if you want to call it a period). But I am happy nonetheless.

This week I have to get things in order for me going back to school. I've got to get glasses as I lost mine about 2 months ago. Obviously I can see without them but I do squint and it has not been great. I need to get into the dentist. I also have to order some things from the school bookstore....Ughh! I hate obligations like this. They just wear me out.

What does everyones week hold for them.....?

6 Years Today!!!

2010-07-17T23:16:00.003-04:00

Happy Saturday everyone! I've had such a busy weekend so far. Besides having to work, the pigs were born, and today (drumroll please) it's my sixth wedding anniversary! We went out to eat at Cracker Barrel as it was the nicest restaurant in the nearest town. I wanted to go to the next town above that (which isn't too much farther) and go to a nicer place to eat but we didn't have much time. My hubby was on call but they were going to cover him for 2 hours so we could eat. It was fun and we had a good time. Usually when we go out, we ALWAYS end up going to a fast food place, so this was alot nicer than that.
My next project is going to be making 'Old South Lime pickles' which I've never even tried but I heard that they are good. Tonight I cut the cukes and am soaking them in the lime...weird but I'm following the recipe.....so I really hope they turn out good! Anyone ever tried them? Like them? or any other good pickle typed foods you really like? I haven't ever ate alot of pickled foods except dill pickles. My father in law loves pickled food though, like pickled beets and eggs. I didn't even know that you COULD pickle eggs till recently! But, really, I want to hear from you all on this....

p.s. in response to Foxy's question about the baby pigs in the last post: They are so soft..kindof like a velvet almost. They are precious to hold but I haven't held them since the birth (to do all the cleaning, shots, healthcare) b/c momma pigs can get REALLY mean!!!! I mean, they are VERY protective of their babies. So, if I hold them they will squeal and then momma pig will get upset...so, I really have to restrain myself!!! It is hard but I am managing. :)

Baby Pigs Are HERE!!!!!!!!

2010-07-16T22:20:00.008-04:00

Today was a great day! I had fun with my mother in law...we went to a country store and got some unique food items. I was off work all day- was going to do some canning tonight again BUT........I got interrupted by a pregnant pig....SHE HAD HER BABIES YA'LL!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have tons of pictures! I hope blogger can handle these suckers...

When I got home I thought she looked like she might be in labor. She definitely had her "nest" built with the hay I've been supplying her. She was also laying down and breathing a little heavy. She didn't even get up when I went over to the pen. So at the most, an hour later, I went out to hang some laundry up to dry and walked over to check her. This is what I saw...

The first baby pig!!!!!!! I thought he looked so big and healthy and perky for being just born until FINALLY, about 30 minutes later the second one was born and he was even bigger! The first one turned out to be the runt but he is SOO feisty. If I hadn't of been there, I believe the 2nd one might not have made it. He had the baby sac over his head and I had to clean it off and get fluids out of his mouth by swinging him gently by the back legs. Here is his pic:So, to make a 3 hour story one page long, she ended up having 9, yes 9 total!!!! (I'm so proud of her!) There are 5 boys and 4 girls. The one with black ears and who has more black than any others is a girl and I've named her Sassy Pants b/c she is a little devil already. One of our longtime friends and neighbors (husband and wife) who are much older and wiser than me and my hubby, came over to watch the birth and helped me to give the iron shots, dock the tails, clip the wolf teeth and cut their umbilical cords. I was very grateful for the help since they have raised BIG pigs before - not miniatures....I know some of those procedures might sound awful to some of you but there are humane reasons for all of them (if the teeth don't get cut they can bite eachother AND mommy's "teets") Well without further ado here are the rest of the pictures.....

Here is a closeup of Sassy Pants below- black ears and big black patch....ohhh! so cute! The one to her right we named Freckles cause he's got them all over his butt!!! I love how they just crawl all over mamma pig (wilma). I tell ya, she could've cared less You can see how little the runt is above..there are 2 under her front leg and the runt is next - he's soo little but once he latches he is a fighter for the milk! He will not let it go :)

Here is me with a silly/excited face on...on the right is a glimpse of our farmer friend who helped SOO much with everything! I'm so proud of the babies and mamma pig..she did sooo well with everything and was very calm for the whole thing. And when I worry about her, I'm reminded of what my hubby told me tonight "honey she'll be fine...this aint her first rodeo" and he's right. She did great - I hope everything stays on track and we don't lose any. Hope you all enjoy the pigs...let me know what you think!

Lots of Pictures!

2010-07-15T20:39:00.007-04:00

I'm double posting today....I wanted to put some pics on here on a couple different things....First of all, after getting home today, I went on a run. Ran the same place I normally do and this dog started following me. Not a big deal, this happens quite frequently. I thought he would just drop back off where he started following me at. Nope - followed me all the way home where my two babies get all insanely jealous at even the sight of another dog. Though they behave fairly well. This dog is definitely a stray...I talked to a neighbor up the road and he said the dog comes up there and kills one of their chickens every day or so (which he was NOT happy about)....I tell you I did NOTHING to encourage this dog to follow me! I didn't!!! I did, however, water him when we got back to my house though b/c he was so thirsty and it was soo hot! And then....a little while later I fed him. (He was hungry!...oh I am so stupid!), of course now he won't leave and is guarding the front door like he's found his own little palace. I think he's already chased the cat into hiding...Gotta find him a home or something! He is adorable though and when I let momma pig out to graze for a little while tonight, he helped me get her right back in the pen PERFECTLY! I was impressed! I think he's trying to adopt us...but theres NO way I can keep this guy. :( Too many good dogs out there..just not enough homesThe other pictures are of sunflowers I have taken in the past 2 weeks...Saw some other bloggers pics of sunflowers. One of these is on Merely Human 's blog and the other is on Spermination Station Although mine aren't nearly as good as either of these I still like them. :)

Lastly the fog picture was this morning before I went to work. It has been really foggy the past couple mornings but it is beautiful in its own way...so thats that folks! Enjoy the pictures!

The Waiting

2010-07-15T16:22:00.003-04:00

This is a poem that I think alot about and have been wanting to post for a while now...

Little Things
Little drops of water,
Little grains of sand,
Make the mighty ocean
And the pleasant land.

Thus the little minutes,
Humble though they be,
Make the mighty ages
Of eternity.

Ebenezer Cobham Brewer

So, there it is. A poem that makes me feel so many things about infertility. I am so impatient sometimes. I can't help it. When I got married at 19, I wanted to have children within that first or second year. Now, here we are six years later...no children and not very close to being able to try for real. I know I've put some of this in my profile already but I've just been thinking about it lately, so bear with me.

When I was diagnosed and we had first went to the doctor to try, my hubby got laid off that same week. Now that he's had a job for quite some time, I'm in a nursing program to get my degree with 3 semesters to go. Three semesters may not seem like that long, but to me it feels like a small eternity. And then, when I get out of school, what if it is really hard for us to get pregnant? I wouldn't be surprised at this point. We've had a few small chances to conceive with "help". I have taken the progesterone/clomid for a cycle. I was also in a study for PCOS almost a year ago where I had to wear this crazy electronic patch that would deliver a "jolt" every 45 minutes. This jolt could have possibly been delivering a certain hormone that is normally delivered by the body this often. There were 3 groups of women so...I wasn't sure if I was getting the hormone or clomid (which is what they were testing the hormone against). But I still had to wear the machine for a month, changing the patch twice daily. I also had to take pills (don't know if they were placebos or clomid) Anyhow, that in itself is a long story which I could write a long post about! It was an interesting time, I'll say that...and lots of free ultrasounds of my ovaries...Oh JOY!

But back to the main story here...I just really wish it was our time to try again now. I want to be pregnant now not later. Of course, we all want this...but it seems that six years have passed so quickly. Like the poem, my humble little moments are adding up and making me feel (to use an old phrase) "like a ticking time bomb". My husband is 5 years older than me and this year he is going to turn 30. I know this fact is going to be hard on him, not having children yet at 30. I am so unsatisfied...How else can I put that. Of course, I find things to get caught up in..that's partly why I'm back in school getting my degree. I stay busy....but that question that we all ask keeps haunting me. When's it our turn? When will my humble minutes as a childfree person come to an end. When will my little minutes contain "my little people"?

Thoughts of Babies (long post)

2010-07-14T18:46:00.005-04:00

There is so much I want to say today even if I'm not sure I should even mention some of my thoughts...First of all, want to say I am going to sell or give away the baby pigs to good homes. Already have a couple of people interested in them. I just took some Pig Pregnancy Photos so you could see how big she is before she has them. :)
The main thought of the day though is on something much deeper and more IF focused. I don't normally talk about my issues at work. Quite a few of the girls and women (I call them girls cause alot of them are younger than me) I work with know that I have issues with being irregular and that we want kids. So, anyhow it seemed like today I couldn't get away from these issues...they kept coming up in round about ways!
First on my lunchbreak, one lady was checking out my plate and expressed surprise that I didn't have as much as I normally do. A little history in this situation is that I work straight for the first 4 hours at work - no sitting, no breaks, just working. So, I am usually famished and do eat a big lunch. The other thing you need to know from an IF perspective is that alot of times when someone has PCOS, it causes excess weight around the middle or causes people to have a hard time losing weight. I have none of these issues and when I first was diagnosed, my Doc said that alot of times he sees either extreme: heavy or very lean. I don't consider myself lean but I have never had a problem with weight. SO, anyhow after the lady expressed surprise she said "You always eat whatever you want and don't gain a thing" Girl 2 at the same table (who is newly pregnant with 2nd child) grunted "Must be nice" As soon as she said that I was thinking "Can I let that comment go?" So, I replied "Well, I kindof have hormone imbalances, so it's nice but it has it's downsides" (I'm not really sure if pcos and my high metabolism are related but have always thought they might be-but I just couldn't keep my mouth shut) She was like "huh?" I said "I am really irregular...I would rather have a couple extra pounds on me and have regular periods than to be super thin" (this conversation was all friendly-no rudeness at all on any parts) We talked some more about it and turns out Girl 2 has a cousin with pcos...huh...
So, my 2nd and last conversation was with 2 different people at work. Kitchen lady (aka: KL) and another newly Pregnant Girl : aka PG (yes I work with ALOT of pregnant people right now). Basically KL was asking PG if she was having twins b/c she had gained so much weight in first 2 months (PG had joked around that she might have twins)..PG replied "OH Noo!" I said "I would love to have twins someday" At that, the KL (who knows my issues) said would you be interested in fostering or adopting twins? I was taken off guard and was like "probably...yeah I would be interested...I mean, I still want to have kids of my own someday but yes, definitely interested" Turns out she has a neighbor who has a daughter in jail. The daughter already has 3 kids who live with her parents (the neighbor). The daughter is now pregnant with twins! Supposedly she is expecting her parents to take them too but they just can't....KL is going to let them know that we are interested.
About a year ago we looked into fostering but never went through with it b/c it just wasn't the right time for us. I know we are going to try for children of our own some day but when we are in the position to help little unwanted babies I could never say no to that. I would love them like they are my own. Don't even know if anything will come of this but I just couldn't get it off my mind and even though I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk about it here...thats what this blog is for. And I thought you could all give me your thoughts. Just her mentioning the twin babies that aren't even born has me all emotional inside...Like, I already care about the fate of these dear innocent babies...
Something Amber from Life on the Last Frontier mentioned (that has been much on my mind and is very touching) is that... We are already mothers, we just don't have our babies yet.
How true! I feel like I could be these babies adopted mom or many other babies out there. I don't know where they'll come from, or whose they'll be but I will have babies and kids someday....
Sorry for such a long post but I had soo much on my mind today!!!! whewww I'm exhausted now!

P.S. Here is the Pig photo (see how low the belly bulge is! the pic really doesn't do her justice on how big she really is- haha)

Even the Pigs...

2010-07-13T20:53:00.004-04:00

My day started off a little unusual. We have 2 miniature pigs that are in a big pen in the backyard. I was getting ready to leave for work and went out to check on them. They are both separated by a divider but the door into the pen opens into the females side of the pen. We ended up with these pigs because my husband brought them home one day (I wanted chickens and he comes home with pigs?!?!) Supposedly the female who had just weaned piglets, was pregnant again when he bought them. We weren't sure at first. But over the past 3 months her belly has become the size of a small yoga ball. I've been expecting these "grandbaby piglets" any day now. She is miserable and her belly is so big it is basically dragging the ground.

So, when I went out this morning, the door to the pen was open and she was GONE. She's been out in the yard many times with me before but she always goes back in when the times up. I was soo worried and was already running behind for work. I searched around the house but couldn't find her. I woke my hubby up and told him what happened. Thank goodness he has to be at work a little later. Feeling terrible and worried that she might have run off to have her babies, I left for work.

He called me later to let me know that he found her right away. She was at the neighbors who is within sight from our house. He got her back home and settled in (such a good guy). She was having a blast tromping through our neighbors flower beds I'm sure....Ooops!

Even though we aren't having human babies of our own right now, it is a small comfort to raise and take care of animals and animal babies. It has always been a hobby of mine. It's funny though..You know you struggle with infertility when you have a twinge of jealousy for your pregnant pig who is in misery carrying multiple piglets inside her belly on these hot days!

p.s. please note: this is a much older picture and she really is BULGING now!

Perfect Moment Monday

2010-07-12T22:23:00.005-04:00

Well, I just wrote this whole post and lost it :( But I am still going to do a Perfect Moment Monday. I decided yesterday evening that I wanted to make pickles. This summer I wanted to get really good at canning so that I could preserve food from my garden. So, I had the cucumbers. I had the equipment and supplies. I had the determination, by golly!!!

I should preface this by the fact that I have only canned one other time last summer WITH my mom and sisters. But in spite of all the odds, I did it! I made dill pickles! Of the 14 jars I canned only 1 didn't seal so I stuck it in the fridge to snack on this week.

Fast forward to today...I'm back in the doldrums at work because it's monday. However, all day long I kept thinking of that jar of pickles in the fridge. In my minds eye, I could see the garlic cloves, dillweed and pickles in the pretty, glass jar. I couldn't wait to get home to see for myself how those pickles had turned out! I was practically salivating thinking about them at work.

Finally, the moment came when I got to be the taste tester. They actually tasted like pickles...and even though the flavors hadn't fully blended, they were good! Nice and crispy. It was so gratifying. I mean, storebought pickles are good. But, making them myself brought on a whole new appreciation. So, this is my Perfect Moment Monday...whats yours?

Little Accomplishments

2010-07-11T13:07:00.004-04:00

Hello to all! I have to say that it's been a pretty good weekend. Also wanted to say thanks for the nice comments yesterday. It was kindof a low point. But, today is new and fresh.
I learned how to defragment my computer today. Looked it up and just did it! Computer stuff in general always seems like the big bad wolf to me and I usually just steer clear of it. However, this was really simple. Afterward, I felt like I'd actually accomplished something and my computer now seems to run a little faster and more efficiently. Yayy!!!
On another note, I got the room off the kitchen all cleaned up this weekend and am thinking of having a card party with mom and 2 sisters. I started making little invitations today with little hand drawn playing cards on them and am going to actually send invitations to each of them.. Maybe we will play euchre or rummy..something fun. I don't usually play hostess so this small gathering will be a step up for me but still in my comfort zone as it is family.

Well, I don't have much else to say but as it is Sunday I feel like adding a Psalm today...

Psalm 61:1-4 Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy. I will abide in thy tabernacle for ever: I will trust in the cover of thy wings.

Sad Saturday

2010-07-10T18:29:00.002-04:00

Not a having a good day. Pretty down in the dumps emotionally. I turned down swimming at my dads house today b/c my sister who is a single mom (touchy subject for me still) and her friend (who is getting ready to move in with my sister and also just found out she's pregnant and going to be a single mom) were going to be there. I could've handled my sister. I've gotten used to that whole situation but I don't know if I could've sat there and put on a fake smile today. Not for someone I am not happy for. I told her I didn't have a lot of gas in my truck and didn't feel like filling up (which is true) and I also told her I was going to go somewhere with my hubby later (which was also true). The underlying main reason though, which I didn't mention was her newly pregnant friend. I mean, how stupid are some girls? She is older than I am...I just feel like taking them both into a room with a projector and giving them a sex ed class. And me, putting up a picture of a condom would say "This is a condom. This is just ONE of the many ways to prevent a pregnancy when you aren't wanting one" It seems like it is so hard for me to get along with this particular sister lately. The other day the IF subject came up because I was telling her about work (right now there are at least 5 preggos at work-no joke- 4 are on my shift!) She said "Is it getting any easier?" I wanted to scream! It was just so insensitive..Think about it...It's not getting easier, it gets harder. Every day it gets harder to bear especially if it is in my face the way it has been. IF affects everything. It causes problems between me and my family, my hubby, my friends, my outlook, EVERYTHING. I wish it didn't. I wish and pray and hope that it could be different. That this pain would go away. That I could be happy for people I should be happy for instead of feeling a lump of sadness in my throat. But it's not. On this rollercoaster ride called life, I'm definitely on the down loop today. I hope it's better tomorrow.

elephant pictures

2010-07-10T00:33:00.004-04:00

Ok, I read the "Elephants, elephants everywhere" post by Jenny at her blog "Among the Blossoms" today and it was about the elephant being a symbol of fertility. It is funny because I used to collect glass figurines for a very short time as a teenager and I really liked elephants back then. Well, since I was cleaning today, I got my box of glass collectables down and got out my elephants...I thought I only had 3 or 4 but I actually had 5 and one elephant teapot thing. So I took some pics and wanted to post them. They are kindof cute but my favorite ones are definitely the grey one followed by the white one (with the tusk missing). The little one kindof creeps me out though.....I think it's his beady little eyeballs hahaha..or maybe the ears - I don't know. Well enjoy :)

Little Reminders

2010-07-09T22:25:00.002-04:00

It is so ironic to me that when you want a child of your own or are trying to conceive you see things so differently. Or there are constant reminders of what you don't have. I now realize that I am not the only one who feels this way after reading stories from other bloggers. We share alot of similar feelings and I am so comforted in knowing there are others who understand.

My reminder this past two days has actually been on blogger. You know how every time you post a comment Blogger asks you to type the word you see so that people don't get spam comments? WELL, one of my words to type was ovulat and the other was twinsco. I was like "You've got to be kidding me! Yes, dumb computer, I would ovulate if I could!" For the other one I thought "No way, not again! And...yes, twins would be awesome....." (yeah, I talk to my computer sometimes- at least in my head I do) Well anyhow, I got a chuckle out of it - hopefully you all will too.

On another note (from yesterday), I guess I am having a very light period. Wonders never cease! It brings me a small comfort knowing my body is still somewhat capable of doing this period thing. I even have some light cramps to go along with this light period!

Lastly, my mom did come over today. We got the junk room off the kitchen cleaned up and turned into a study/sitting room for when I start back to school next month. I will need a place to spread out all the books and leave them if need be...so that was nice to get done.

P.S. Rolled some spare change last night. Didn't get it all rolled yet but my "savings" is now up to $28. Hooray!

The Biannual Period?

2010-07-08T18:48:00.003-04:00

I am so glad it is Thursday because tomorrow starts my 3 day weekend. Whoooppeee!!! I love my weekends off (every other week). Tomorrow I am going to work on getting my house cleaned up- it really needs it. My mom is coming to help me and I'm very happy for that because she doesn't get a chance to come out and see us much. I've got to get organized. I hope it's something I can accomplish. I've never been very good at "everything in its place and a place for everything"
Oh! I almost forgot..and maybe this is too much information but here goes...PCOS has affected me in that it's taken away my periods. When I first started having periods as an early teen, I was regular. Then as a late teen, they started to space out to about every 3-4 months. Now I'm grateful to get 2 a year. I can't tell you how much I wish I could just bleed for a good 5-7 days on my own. So anyhow, today I ran to the bathroom at work and was amazed to see that I had slightly rusty/red discharge. I have to say that my ovaries have kindof been sore lately so thinking about that, I thought...Maybe my body is deciding to kick itself into gear for a period...? I don't know what its doing, but was happy to welcome "aunt flo" as some would call it...although she may not even be here. I really have to make an appointment with my gyn. and try to get regulated...I just hate taking medicine to make my body do something that should be so natural and right every month...but I know this isn't healthy either... :(

Any other PCOS'ers (or anyone else really) out there that have thoughts on this? What about your cycles? When you weren't trying to conceive how did you become regulated? Or did you?

Zestful Zucchini

2010-07-07T22:13:00.006-04:00

So, Summer has officially been here for quite some time and the zucchini has come in full swing. Oh yes, you know what I'm talking about...the plant that keeps on giving and giving and giving...and then you know, giving a little bit more. I have to say it's definitely one of my favorite garden vegetables, right up there next to tomatoes. For the past 3-4 days I have picked about 2 zucchini per day. They have just started producing so I know there will be MANY more to come. It doesn't help that I planted 10 zucchini plants when only 2 would've sufficed. The bright side of having so many plants is that I will never be at a lack for the over zealous zucchini all summer long AND, I will have many to give away to friends and family who at the end of the growing season may no longer be my friends after I sneak zucchini into their cars, leave them on their doorsteps at night and force them into their hands on their way out my door (insert evil cartoon laugh here: Mu haha Muu Haa hahaaha)

Well, on the bright side, I did buy the great and wonderful cookbook "The Classic Zucchini Cookbook-225 Recipes for All Kinds of Squash". And I'm going to NEED it! This week so far I've already made burritos, spaghetti, a mexican dish ALL with the addition of zucchini.

What a versatile, productive, beautiful, economical, green, thoughtful plant/vegetable....If I had to be a vegetable this would definitely be the one I would pick! Happy blogging to all you out there typing away!!! :)

$13.50

2010-07-06T23:07:00.004-04:00

So, last night I had some leftover change from going to the fair with a friend of mine. Lately, when I have extra change, I've been just sticking it in my pocket...but not last night...

Before I go on about the spare change, I have to say that I've read so many stories about couples who are actively trying to conceive. Now I'm thinking that even though we may not be actively trying right now (even though we never take steps to prevent a pregnancy) I want to be ready for the day when we can say "Lets go for it with everything in us...whatever it takes"
Also, I'm currently in nursing school, which takes a HUGE amount of time and effort. I have 3 semesters left and that seems like an eternity to me. Not that we are waiting till after I get out of school but pregnancy will most likely not occur during this time unless we go back to the Doc. So, school with it's own expenses and schedules is somewhat of a setback to us conceiving at THIS time. The last thing is money. We both have decent jobs and manage our budget pretty well. We don't however, have insurance that will help us out in the IF area at all. So, when I was diagnosed a few years ago with PCOS, we paid out of pocket for that visit (which was a couple hundred dollars). I wasn't sure how we were going to manage...and as I mentioned in my first post, my husband got laid off (he is now working again). I do know that when we go back to the Doc again, we will most likely be paying out of pocket.

SOOO, with all this in mind, back to the spare change. I have decided to start my own little fund of money for us and just start putting change and small bills in it whenever I have them. That way we will have a small amount ready to start us off. It may be small, but my fund is off to the meager amount of $13.50. You have to start somewhere, right? Have any of you ever done this as well? Would love to hear of little things that helped you...

A Short Story

2010-07-05T10:51:00.005-04:00

I'm so glad to see my blog today. Something was wrong with my computer last night and I tried to figure it out to no avail. I wasn't able to get online but, this morning it is working just fine..I may need to have it checked out though..it kindof worries me.

Well anyhow, I have a story that happened this past week, before I started this blog. Its been on my mind though and I wanted to share it.
I had an annual insurance bill that was due this past week. My family has been longtime friends with one of the ladies who work in the office at the place this bill was due (i'm going to call her office lady). Turns out that I worked all week and on thursday (the due date) I forgot to call in and pay it because I just got so busy at work. Turns out that I saw the "office lady" driving on a residential street and pulled over to talk to her. I said "Hey! Guess what?" Immediately she blurts out "You're pregnant!?!" I wasn't even thinking along those lines and definitely NOT expecting this answer. I replied "Nooo! I forgot to pay my bill today" and then proceeded to tell her that I would pay it the next day. I was in no way mean to her and was kindof laughing because I was a little shocked. Maybe I was asking for it the way I said 'Guess what'? I don't know...
What I do know is that dealing with pcos and not having periods and babies and struggling through infertility for the past 5-6 years has made me a different person. I think for the better, I really do. I will never take for granted the ability to conceive a child. The miraculous ability to have a baby. I am much more sensitive about the whole issue. I know too that I, like many other women I have read about, will never feel like I fit in with "fertile people" when/if I ever conceive. We get along, sure, but they will never understand the heartache and frustration..
I want to thank the other bloggers. Thankyou for sharing. Thankyou for being so open with your hearts. Thankyou for being a community. This week has been so wonderful finding all these people who I share so much with. For the first time in a LONG time, I don't feel alone in my struggle. I could just cry I'm so happy so..thankyou - anyone who reads this and understands...Thankyou...

The 4th

2010-07-04T16:45:00.004-04:00

Today is the Fourth of July! A day that brings back great memories for me as a child: spending all day in the pool, listening to oldies (especially that song "Hot time summer in the City, back of my neck gettin hot and gritty") and last but not least, going out on the roof of my parents house to lay on a blanket and watch fireworks. I miss that now. Friends and family, food and fun. Living in freedom. What a great holiday! One of my favorites, really. I had to work today which really didn't bother me because I work first shift so I have my evening off. It's actually kindof fun to work on holidays where I work (at a long term care facility). Today for example, most of the residents who live there were dressed in their red, white or blue (or a combination of the three). It was really cute to see all the similar colors. The employees also get to wear holiday attire so I wore white scrub pants and a red scrub top. The whole day I was wishing I would've taken the time to make a little ribbon to wear on my top though...All the residents got little patriotic ribbons to wear with little flags on them. It would've been fun to join along.
So, now I'm at home trying to think of a way to wrap up this special day and am not sure what it will be yet. I hope everyone out there is having a good 4th also...no matter how you are spending your day.

Here is a verse from a hymn that is special to me: America the Beautiful..
O beautiful for spacious skies, For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties Above the fruited plain!
America! America! God shed His grace on thee,
And crown thy good with brotherhood From sea to shining sea
By Katherine Lee Bates, 1859-1929

2010-07-03T22:28:00.000-04:00

Wow! Long day...Work, then extended family get-together/cousins bridal shower, and then home....ONLY to leave again to go on a call with my hubs (aka husband). He drives a wrecker and got a longer call so, he called to see if i wanted to go also. I didn't really feel like going but I did because I really wanted to spend time with him. It turned out to be really fun.
Right now it just feels good to relax with my feet propped up and holding a small grey kitten on my lap that I "rescued" this past week. He was skin and bones when I found him but has really done well with some TLC and I think he is gaining weight and by the way he's purring I'm sure he's happy being off the country roads of the county. I don't know what to name him yet though...at first I called him shadow because it's a perfect ideal name for a cat like this but today I called him babycakes and it was just soo cute...don't know though. I probably shouldn't get too attached though because I am trying to find him a home and think I might have succeeded. I would keep him but one of my dogs (the red heeler) Hank is not fond of cats AT ALL and I'm afraid eventually he would end up hurting him so....we're going to find the kitty a nice little farm to live on where he will have fresh air and lots of things to keep him busy AND hopefully no cat-chasing dogs!!!
On another note, I've been listening to Miranda Lamberts newest cd alot lately and have to say that there are alot of good songs on there. Very touching and great lyrics. I recommend to any country music fans.... Well signing off for now

my new poem

2010-07-02T11:47:00.000-04:00

One day I'll hold you in my arms
Gentle as can be
I'll love you then more than I love you now
The baby I wish was inside of me

One day I'll hear the words "mama"
It will be music to my ears
I'll pray for you then more than I pray for you now
The baby for which I shed my tears

One day I will not mourn anymore
Over these sad, frustating years
Instead I'll kiss your soft little cheeks
When the baby God's given appears

Until then know that your on my mind
Day by day and in the night
My love for you is overwhelming at times
The baby I want with all my might

written by me

first post

2010-07-02T01:23:00.000-04:00

Hello to the big wide world of web! I am nervous..really, i feel like i'm writing in a diary but this is soo much more accessible by basically anyone. I never thought i would create my own blog. Why did i create this blog? Well I struggle with having PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), which basically has wreaked havoc with me and my husbands desire to have a baby, and was reading/researching/looking (once again) for other people who share similar interests and stumbled across lots of blogs. At first, i just read and read, as well as cried, and took comfort knowing that there are other people out there just like me who share similar frustrations. Then it hit me..."why don't i create a blog?" I mean, no one may ever read it and that would be ok...because i think doing this will help me to not keep my feelings bottled up and will be a more productive way of using my time than to get depressed about things in my life. I guess i just felt I needed to do something. I also hope that i will be able to connect with others who share in this awful predicament. Women who have never experienced this just don't understand...even my mom and sisters are not people i can easily talk to about my struggles...and my best friend is pregnant as well so, sometimes just having a friend that understands how you feel so important. But none of the women in my life are aware of the pain in my heart...i don't want to be a sympathy case, but i do want a group of people i can share with about this.. I guess these are all reasons that i am now becoming a blogger...
As far as me and my husband trying to get pregnant, the whole time we've been married, we have used no birth control. I rarely and i mean RARELY ever have a period anymore...it's kindof hard to conceive that way huh...Well, we went to a fertility doctor, he said I have pcos and i can see that because many of the symptoms are there. He prescribed clomid and before we even got the medication, my husband got laid off work and never called back. So, we decided to postpone until we were in a more stable situation...although the medications weren't too expensive, the doctors visits were outrageous and we were paying out of pocket...So, after he finally got a job, i then was accepted into a nursing program which i am 1/4 of the way through. It just seems like we will never get there and that something always happens to set you back. After reading other blogs, i am grateful that my only problem as far as i know, is PCOS, because it could be much worse for me. It is still a rollercoaster of emotions though knowing that all you want is a your baby in your arms to love and take care of and it seems so unattainable......